I spent several hours this morning writing a long post about all the loss and sorrow we are all feeling due to the big events in our world recently. Even though we may not have been personally affected by the trauma we are all connected and thus all affected to one degree or another by the losses so many are now feeling in many parts of the world.
My post however veered off in another direction from what I had originally intended to write so I have saved that one for another time. Instead I have returned to complete a post I had started a few weeks ago but had not finished. It was written to commemorate the one year anniversary of the passing of my beloved companion cat, Oliver. I wrote about Oliver's life in a previous post which you can find HERE. Now that it is the one year anniversary, I feel I can say that I have a sense of completion about my adjustment to life without his animal presence. But part of that is due to his presence in another form, however difficult it is to describe.
Earlier this year, in the first hints of a warming season but while snow was still on the ground, I was washing my breakfast dishes and looking out on the snowy landscape and deeply missing my snow-buddie Oliver. I had read an advertisement a week or so earlier about a local fellow who was looking to find a home for a semi-feral cat named Hollis but my heart was still heavy and sore with the loss I was experiencing not having Oliver here in form, so I had closed myself off to the idea of welcoming a new cat into my home. As I stood, washing the teacup I can only say that the strangest feeling came over me, and I FELT Oliver running towards me. As part of me stood, transfixed at the sink, soapy teacup in hand, another part of me was in a warm and sunny space with my beloved friend running at full gallop towards me. I opened my arms to welcome him and he lept up to be held. His form was now much larger than he had been when he was in his body as a cat. My senses registered that he was now nearly 3 or 4 times larger and while it would be difficult to physically hold a creature as large as he was now (imagine a half-grown tiger leaping into your arms...could you hold it?) because we were both in non-physical forms, it was effortless to welcome him with a fully open heart. The sense of reunion was epic. My heart burst open with such love and gratitude to feel him once again. This was not a fantasy, it was a real encounter and I just went with it.
We melted against one another and he let me know that he was fine, very happy and radiantly whole. I was in awe of his power and presence...and that we could even be sharing in this way, now nearly 6 months since I laid his body into the earth....yet here "HE" was...whoever he was for he was definitely no longer a cat...but yet he retained something of that form/essence perhaps just to allow me to recognize him during this visit. Eventually, the wave of reunion washed over me and tears of joy trickled down my physical and metaphorical cheeks. And I heard him speak, in English, very clearly... he said simply : "Go meet Hollis". Gently and with a feeling of still smiling, our embrace began to melt and diffuse, like mist in the morning sun and soon I was back to the sink, soapy teacup still in hand.
With an invitation/command like that, one cannot say "No". So I made the phone call and went to meet this "Hollis" cat. Supposedly he was shy and took slowly to people as his caretaker had warned me...but from the very beginning, Hollis made it very clear that he'd like me to be HIS person. He rolled and purred and made it absolutely obvious to both myself and his former caretaker that he wanted to come with me...even to the point of actually hopping into my car when I was getting ready to leave! (Something he apparently had never done before and has never done since). So the next day we made it official and he came home for a trial period. It was not an easy acclimation. In fact, there were several days when I thought it was NEVER going to work he was just too aggressive with my ancient kitty who cannot defend herself at all, and my other resident male kitty who was just getting used to being the new top cat now that Oliver was gone. It took several months, but finally we've all settled in to living well together.
When the green of springtime finally came, I now knew what Oliver was up to....because Hollis is a fabulous garden kitty. He loves to supervise me whenever I'm working in the garden and he provides the companionship I was so desperately missing with Oliver's departure. I know it all sounds rather silly on one level, but on another it is quite real and wonderful. So Oliver sent me to meet Hollis and Hollis was very clear that he wanted to live here...and I've been blessed to have them both in my life. And the other kitties have adapted and now accept and enjoy a new sense of home together.
Here is Hollis in his new role as head supervisor at one of my spring photo shoots in the garden:
All of this is to say that things circle round....forms change and cycle...love remains. Some essential part of us appears to remain, and truth be told, appears to be even more powerful and radiant than what it was when contained in a form. I cannot explain this. I've even had visitations from my father that I cannot explain...one as recently as the solar eclipse of last month. These Mysteries exist for me, and for many others who have/share them. I accept them though I do not have an understanding of how it all works. I don't know how electricity works but I still accept that it is real and I certainly benefit from its powers - and pay a price if I do not respect it!
So for those of us who have lost so much, or even for those of us who may be feeling overwhelmed by the sense of loss that is in our collective these days, my experience is this: nothing stays the same forever. Fulfillment will cycle thru to loss but loss will be transformed to fulfillment once more. The point seems to be to see beyond one or the other to gain a steady point that is beyond the tidal surges this world has to offer. Some may call this Faith or something in that vein... I think it is so very helpful to have something to tether ourselves to that is not so directly bound to this physical world so that when things get thin, here on the ground, we are not swept away in our sense of loss but can remain strong in our knowing that things do cycle. The earth will recover and rebuild her ecosystems and we all go on, one way or another....hopefully with the blessings of good companions, wherever we can find them.